I know I have hurt some feelings by staying away from people’s online residences - and quite recently it was pointed out to me that it looks like I’ve been more active on Flickr and Twitter, to the complete detriment of my friends. I want to do two things - explain what the hell I’m doing and apologize.. and then either things are going to work for the next two to three weeks, or they won’t and I can’t help it. But things have been building, building, building - and I’m not good at asking for help. What I am good at doing is waiting until the last second and spinning completely out of control from taking on too much - and I’m trying to be wary of circumstance for everyone’s benefit.

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Today is the last day we have with JC.  The concert just wiped me out, and I absolutely have to write a post about that later - but for today I have to spend time with my friend while he’s still here.  It’s amazing how fast time zooms when you’re with a good friend you haven’t seen in forever.  We also have to run to the pediatrician and get something for Faith to have more bloodwork done by some blood specialist - I still have no idea what is going on.

In the meantime, I will try and organize my thoughts and decompress… it’s been a fun break in the middle of a ton of stress (some I can blog about - some I can not).  I feel like I’m stretched super thin right now… I actually feel OLD.

Faith: “Mommy, I thought you were 92?”
Me: “No, I’m only 38 - but I definitely feel 92 today.”
Faith: “Oh… I thought you were 92.”
Me: “Maybe I am.”
Faith: “Maybe you are.”

I know I’m getting a late start - Faith and I slept in this morning (she’s actually STILL asleep and it’s almost noon), but I wanted to take a second to leave a post thanking the people who make this day special for me. To me, this isn’t necessarily my day - and I don’t anticipate gifts or celebration. I’m still just starting to finally truly understand what makes Mother’s Day so special, while I really “get” why a lot of other people around me still see it as a holiday that is something you put off until the very last second… an “oh crap - it’s Mother’s Day tomorrow!!” kind of thing. (And that is not guilt - read the next part before getting riled… I do understand).

I was totally like that - forgetting Mother’s Day almost every single year until Poppy shot me an email or called me to remind me to call Nana. She never wanted anything but something we made in addition to a phone call or a hug, just to let her know that we remembered.

I understand now, as the holidays tick by and I see how much easier it is to cling to gifts made by Faith, rather than those purchased at the last second. There’s a world of difference between sentimental and someone else’s words.

Faith told me in the car that she wanted to go get me a gift, but she couldn’t go on her own.. I told her that she could never buy anything better than the gift I got on the day she was born - and I mean that. (although I am excited to see what she comes up with, in her wittle Faith heart).

Because I realize that having Faith gave ME a gift - and Mother’s Day is the day I get to celebrate that. I’m not so sure that I have it all straight in my head.. am I supposed to be celebrated, or celebrating? I think both. Without Faith, I wouldn’t be a mother on Mother’s Day.

Of course, without Nana - I wouldn’t be here at all… so really, on Mother’s Day I need to honor my own mother. For 38 years she has given me guidance - she’s supported me, she’s dried my tears, she’s listened to my ridiculous rants - she’s been my best friend.

So thank you, Nana - for being my Mommy… and for being patient while it took me 38 years to discover why you would rather have a handmade card and a hug, than flowers and a Hallmark. I love you, Faith loves you - and while we didn’t make a card.. we did make your gift and if it isn’t there by now it should be soon. We suck at timing.

If I could give you one gift on Mother’s Day it would be to make your world perfect. There isn’t much I wouldn’t trade of my own self to make this come true. I just want you to have a Happy Mother’s Day - of all years, I wish this with all my heart.

And thank you to ALL the women - mothers and soon-to-be-mothers and Grandmothers and “I never want children because they make me insane but I love Faith” friends and “I hope to have children and I love Faith” friends and all uncategorized men… thank you for helping make me a better mother every single day. If it takes a village to raise a child in some instances - in this one it takes a blog.. because you are my village. Your comments, your observations and advice - these things have mattered. You all have watched Faith grow up and you remember things I don’t… You know just the right thing when there are emergencies - when something comes up, I write a post and the help I need is right there/right then. It is more than I ever expected - but I want you to know that I do not take one bit of it for granted. I am thankful for each and every one of you, and I do believe you help make me a better mother - every single day. So for this, I also celebrate you.

Happy Mother’s Day,

Holli

We went to the butterfly exhibit at the National Museum of Natural History yesterday… butterflies landed on all of us - but Faith. I have to take her back wearing something other than black and white. It broke my heart to see her holding a little flower out, hoping a butterfly would land on her, while they landed on everyone else around her. Being a good Mommy means making butterflies dreams come true - even if you have to go back a million, gazillion times. We must have butterfly-to-Faith contact… Maybe if I take her in pink with honeysuckle fragrance on her head? Watch, a thousand butterflies will attack and we’ll have a new phobia. :)

More butterfly pictures to follow - prepare for a butterfly blast!

Last night Faith told me her tummy hurt again - but she didn’t want to tell me “how much” because she didn’t want to go to the doctor with John here. She has a couple of new bumps - I think. I took some pictures to properly document them. I felt REALLY bizarre taking a picture of Faith in her panties while she was holding a Mulan fan - I made absolutely sure just to get the cysts on her leg in macro mode.. I don’t want to be taken down in some freak scandal the way my luck is going. Lord.

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I figured I would just try to write one quick, comprehensive “crap” while I had a few seconds. Things are better and worse - more hectic and insane, and I’m literally sitting here looking like the unibomber wondering how I can prepare for a house guest in 3 hours when there is too much to do and I have absolutely no energy. (probably it would help if I wasn’t on here blogging, but what the hell)

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How do I be a good mommy without being a total witch? I have absolutely no clue at this point - at least not in our current situation. I feel like I have one job: Advocate for Faith. Because if I don’t do it - nobody else will.

We went to the hospital yesterday to get Faith’s blood drawn for more blood work. I went in the hospital, and after waiting for more than an hour - and signing in during a freaking FIRE (some voice on the loudspeaker kept saying “Dr. Red is IN YOUR AREA!!! Dr. Red is IN YOUR AREA!!!) I was asking if we needed to evacuate and the girl helping us, was like “oh, no big deal - there’s just a small fire.. it’s contained.” The fire department came through the floor - and oooookay??? Flashing lights, smoke - but I guess it was fine. Dr. Red left the building.

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Faith still has a fever and they found something wrong with the way her blood clots. I have NO idea what that means or COULD mean, except that we have an appointment to have more needles stuck back her her tiny arms tomorrow afternoon. Needless to say, Baby Marie was less than pleased. I’m in total agreement, and I have come to the total conclusion I will insist we get the person that is able to get blood on attempt number one the first time - not after we’ve totally traumatized her.

In other news, as part of the “you’ve been a good girl pay-off” I got Faith a Sea Monkeys” kit!! I was totally jazzed when I saw it at the store and we started part one of the process tonight!! I had Sea Monkeys when I was little - I ordered them from the back of the Richie Rich comic books I was freakishly addicted to (and yes, Nana - I know I need to get those things out of your house).

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We’re home from the hospital - but we still don’t have answers. What we do know is that we don’t know much of anything. I completely lost track of who knows what, because while I did not update the blog - I did update my RSS feed by uploading cellphone pics to flickr as we rushed around through the ER and hospital the other night.

Initially I thought Faith had a few ant bites on her leg, but they started getting so big - I called the pediatrician to find out if I needed to be concerned. I was given instructions and told to keep an eye out for a worsening condition. Well, by the next day she had many more cysts - and they were slowly progressing up her body. I knew she had been kept out of any areas where she could have any ant interaction so there didn’t seem to be a possibility that insects were the cause. I called the pediatrician and asked if we could bring her in. After consulting with her (and another horrible visit there with their rough nurse… I swear, if this hadn’t been an emergency we would not have gone back) pediatrician it was determined to be an unknown virus. They were not able to get a throat swab - the rough nurse hurt Faith and she refused to open her mouth again.. period. They were going to strap her down and I insisted on a different solution - we were sent to a lab at a local hospital, where she was strapped down anyway.

yay.

While we were waiting at the lab I looked at Faith and noticed petechiae on her face slowly spreading outward from her eyelids. Because I am a FREAK about anything involving Faith I have researched endless illnesses and I knew this was one of the few things you don’t mess around with, so I called triage. The told me to leave the lab and RUN with her to the emergency room.

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After taking Faith to the pediatrician we were to go to the lab for testing. The Dr. couldn’t explain the cysts on her legs (which have moved up her torso). As we were waiting, I noticed small red dots all over her face and knew that was cause for concern. I called triage, and I was right - they told us to run, not walk to the ER. We did and after many tests, specialists and more Drs. en route there are still no answers and Faith continues to look worse. I’ll update when I have computer access.